This is for all those faced with similar issues and those curious enough to want to know how a seemingly perfect marriage can come to a brisk and violent end. And also in memory of those who found their demise at the hands of their abusive partners and care givers.
First and foremost, I thank you for all your opinions, rebukes and support but let me tell you the story from my own point of view.
I am quite down to earth and much as I am one of the most difficult persons to deal with, I am quite loyal, honest and do not mince words in expressing my opinions and positions on matters however delicate. I also can, but I do not date wealthy men because I am a firm believer in working very hard for your desires in life and also building up with my life partner possibly from scratch so that when the success, recognition and wealth comes, I would be a proud member of the successful unit and not just because I did all the house keeping or bore all the children. I have always known that I have quite a bit to contribute to my partner’s life and as a result only took serious interest in unions that could give me the opportunity to do just that.
I am neither obedient nor submissive because my childhood and early life battles thought me NEVER to be that if I must succeed but I am extremely considerate and would sacrifice everything in fact, I would lay down my life (literally) to ensure my inner circle are fine.
My husband and I spent just six weeks getting to know each other and then got married because, at least I was certain we were a great match and there was indeed something special between us. We both decided to do whatever it took to make sure we succeeded. However, I asked for two fundamental things both of which were the core of this union and as a result the only two things as far as I could imagine capable of breaking us up and leaving us facing life again as single entities. 1) I asked that he should never lie to me because I do not know how to love, trust and believe in my partner if he is capable of lying to me and 2) He should NEVER raise his hands on me no matter how bad I hurt his feelings. He assured me he had never hit a woman before (which turned out to have been the first and a fundamental lie) and promised never to do that no matter what the problems were. He also believed in the same things I did (at least so he said) so the fact that I was quite independent was supposedly a huge plus for our union.
The first time he destroyed my laptop and beat me up it was over what movie he wanted to watch on my laptop as against the one I was already watching. The second time, which was a time I was five months pregnant was because he forbade me from attending a very important business meeting and I insisted I had to go. This time my offence is having unknowingly confirmed to his lady friend/lecturer that I am financially responsible for our family but only until he is successful enough to take over his duties. He felt so undermined by this that he argues till this minute that his actions were justified. Pushing me against scratchy walls, hitting me on the face and using an iron rod from the leg of the dining table I broke to hit me on the head repeatedly and then sitting patiently, waiting for me to come around from each of the unconsciousness and hitting me again and again thereafter. It is not a trauma I would psychologically recover from soon but that’s not the issue.
A number of people actually agree that his actions were justified but I am not interested in these opinions because we had a deal and he broke them all. I also do not and can not condone domestic violence and he knows this too well. I can’t even hit my kids or let anyone else do it because I consider even that an extreme measure. Let us also not forget that even the “tell me the truth at all times” pact was never taken seriously because day in day out, more and more lies were discovered, even lies about how much money he needs for school or what he actually uses the huge amounts of money he takes from me for….more or less stealing from me which is as good as stealing from himself. Who does that?
I enter all my relationships head first but I never hang around praying, waiting or hoping for miracles instead of doing something about my life and/or the lives of those directly dependent on me. Everybody can indeed change for the better but most times it requires a sincere determination to do so or a major jolt in one’s regular life to achieve this change. If he could change, he would have done so after the last beating so I give up and I am not sorry!
Ebele might or might not improve but I am not willing to take anymore chances than I already have. He is a great man (to be) and I am positive that with the right woman on his side, the sky may not even be his limit. However, I am not that woman and I am okay knowing and accepting this. It is nothing to be ashamed of and for those of you who think it is a thing of shame to walk out of an abusive union – you are all in my prayers.
Finally, all you men already dropping hints and notes about wanting to live happily ever after with a battered mother of two. You all better ensure your pockets are so full and your belongings that many to make even men like Bill Gates jealous…..else…. STAY OUT OF MY WAY!
And hey! One thing I know how to do exceedingly well, is to survive! So peeps, the battle continues!